Enlightenment

Dear Me… 12.14.17

So… you don’t realize how much of your time has gone by until you have a blog to remind you. Haha. Almost four months since my last entry. A lot has happened since my last emotional breakdown. With that being said I’m extremely tired of them. I’m over the constant sadness that depression and anxiety brings each day. I’m tired of masking it with a smile and jokes for those that around me daily. Today I am DONE. I️ have had the craziest breakthrough moment.

You guys won’t even believe the crazy things that have happened these past couple of months. I’m really not up for typing all of that. I️ may break all of that down into separate entry’s. Anyway, this post isn’t really that put together. It’s just me rambling and typing whatever I️ feel at the moment. As I️ sit here and listen to one of my favorite songs… Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding. ( amazing btw) I️ can’t help but think about my love life and the relationship I’ve been in for almost 5 years. I’m only 22 so let’s keep that in mind… I’ve spent these past couple of years in this relationship pretending to be happy. The relationship started off wonderful, but slowly turned into me caring for someone else 24/7 and not myself. I️ began to put my feelings to the side for them and for former “friends”. I’ve waited around for this person and I’ve allowed them to hurt me everyday for years without even noticing until today.

My whole life I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive and dramatic…so I️ would just keep almost everything that I️ felt to myself. Everyone in our lives sees this person as the nice guy who can do no wrong. So imagine trying to confide in someone when they’re going to blame you and say that the guy could do no such thing. So I’ve had no one to talk to. For years I’ve allowed myself to be that person that everyone goes to for their problems. Even when I️ wanted people to be there for me they weren’t. When I️ cried out for help, and they tried even just a little, I️ didn’t know how to trust them. I️ don’t know how to trust anyone at this point. I’ve gotten to the point when’re I feel like everyone will let me down. I️ hate to say that because I️ know not everyone has ill will towards me… I️ just don’t know how to trust anymore.

I️ didn’t explain things too well with the relationship and friendship problems. I️ got a little side tracked. I️ used to be the person who would give people multiple chances and I️ would always try my best to see the good in people. Now I’ve allowed other people’s actions to destroy who I️ am as a person. It feels like every time that I️ believe I’ve met a genuine person they prove me wrong. And it’s not that I️ just go looking for problems with people. I️ really do give them shot and I’m patient. Even when I️ see red flags. I️ met this person who I’ve recently become friends with. Well, long story short, he’s pretty cool… I️ mean he has a good heart. Silly and a QUEEN as he would call himself lol. We have a lot in common. I️ love hanging out with him and his boyfriend. It’s just recently they’ve started becoming too comfortable they make racial jokes that I️ don’t think are amusing. They’ve started to use that word… you know. The one that stirs up all that DRAMA and a part of me wants to be fine with it because I️ see the good parts of them, but it’s become too uncomfortable. Would I️ be wrong to take a break from them? Am I️ over reacting? I️ really do like them I️ just don’t want to get into any type of argument with them or anyone over this situation. Then my relationship. I️ don’t want to leave. I️ mean damn near five years. COME ON. Me and this person were friends before this. I’ve always considered them my best friend. It’s just I’ve taken the back burner the entire time. I️ haven’t received the love or attention I️ know that I️ deserve. I️ just don’t know. I’ve started to look at other guys. I’ve imagined myself with other guys. These are things I️ could never do before even if I️ tried. I️m trying to see it as a rough patch, but I️ don’t know.

I’ve cut people out of my life that I feel needed to go. There was another person I️ considered a friend, but I’m starting to think I️ may not know the definition of that word too well. This person tore me down with words. He told me that I tried to hard to be different, he told me that I️ wasn’t different all because we aren’t on the same page with a lot of things I️ think he views negatively. I’ve allowed him to tear me down for a while. It’s not just him though. There were others. I️ realized I️ had to stop keeping people around just because I️ don’t want to be alone. It’s just hard. Growing up as a child feeling alone and to be a young adult now and still feel the same pain I’ve felt for years it sucks. Those that write off depression and tell you to suck it up really do SUCK. I️ “suck it up” everyday. I️ hide my sadness from the world because I️ don’t want to be seen as weak. Anxiety and depression have become such a fad now that no one pays attention to it. So yes. I️ feel alone every day. I️ know there are those rare and amazing people that have told me that I️ could come to them if needed…like Damn, Girl. Haha, thanks love. I️ just don’t know how to do it sometimes. Sometimes it’s me being there for others. Lately, that’s all it has been. Just me going with the flow every day not even paying attention to myself.

I’ve cut out damn near all of my friends, my relationship is crazy right now and I️ don’t know how to feel. There have been work related situations that you guys wouldn’t even believe if I️ told you, that has led me to feeling this way again. I️ have a couple of reasons, but I’m not sure how to share them. I️ don’t want to be seen as complaining. There’s always so much on my mind 24/7 and I️ don’t know what to do with any of it. I’ve started having nightmares again… not your basic scary killer ones… I️ mean graphic and sometimes way deeper than they should be. My anxiety has gotten worse again. Today I️ destroyed my apartment out of frustration. I️ threw everything around. I’m not embarrassed to say. We all have moments. I️ think I️ reached my breaking point. I️ needed to let it out. People will write it off as you’re young it’s just a phase. Sometimes that’s not the case. I️ should be focused on me and my goals in life. Focused on getting closer to God. I️ know everyone doesn’t believe, but I’m a believer so sorry not sorry. Anyway, I️ want to learn things and explore things I️ want to spend my time and days helping other people. That’s all I️ want, man. I’ve never wanted anything more.

It seems like all I️ can do is worry about everyone else in my life and if they’re okay. I️ don’t even know how to care for myself. I️ don’t know what it means to love myself anymore. All of this has made me lose my confidence and ambition…all of that and I’m so angry at myself for getting to this points. Now, all I️ want to do is focus on getting back on track and loving myself and again. I️ guess I’ll stop here for now. I’ve just felt the strong urge to write lately and I’m glad that I️ did. I️ became embarrassed and didn’t want anyone who read my post to just think of me as the sad person all the time. Today I️ choose not to care. This is real life and this is what I️ feel so if you understand thank you. I’ll be back soon…

Goodnight ♥️

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Enlightenment

Dear Me…8/29/2017

Dear Me…

So… It’s been a while. A longggg time actually. I’m pretty sure the last time I wrote something was back in July? Yeah, that sounds about right. Anyway, I was going through a pretty crappy time then and things have gotten slightly better. Pretty sure I screwed something up with my jaw this morning. Still don’t know how, but the pain that I’m feeling when I talk tells me that I most definitely screwed up. ALSO, I’m having some eye trouble so I’ll be taking some trips to some people who are gonna charge me money that I don’t have. Yay, ADULTHOOD! Lmao. On a serious note… I try my best to stay positive about things even when they tend to stress me out or terrify me. Anyway, back to what I came here to do which was to update myself and this blog on what’s happened since my slight mental breakdown.

Yeah,  last month I tried to harm myself. I’m not sure there’s any other way to say that. I went to a place mentally that I’ve never been before. I want to say it wasn’t that serious, but I would be lying. Honestly, I truly believed that the world would have been better off without me. I spent an entire day feeling numb and over it. I was determined and every time that I think about that it scares me because I never want to feel that way again. I won’t go into detail about that day, but yeah…it was pretty bad. I’ve had some things that I’ve kept bottled up. I’ve held on to so many hurtful things from my past… like being molested, being bullied, and abused on top of other things. I’ve felt sorry for myself for so long and after that day I had to choose to stop doing that. Yes, I still feel pain sometimes and my anxiety is still there, but I try my best not to let it get the best of me. Last time I wrote something I was talking about how afraid I was of not getting the job that I currently have. Well, I’ll give you the good news instead of the negative. This job has been a blessing. There are some negatives that have come with it, but I choose to ignore them. Some POSITIVES that have come from it are I have slightly broken out of my terrified and anti-social shell.Then again talking to people has never been a huge problem when I’m working. It when I’m not working that’s the problem. Lol. Also, I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve met someone who I plan on keeping in my life for the rest of my life. Which would shock a lot of people that know me because I’ve always been set on not making any more friends that are girls because the thought used to terrify me. Lmao. I know how this sounds, but hear me out. I was bullied a lot when I was younger and a lot of my not so great memories come from some girls in my past. So, for awhile I believed that the female species was evil. Lmfao! I don’t feel that way now…kind of…LOL.

Well, back to the update. I am no longer without a place to live. I finally found an affordable place to live. It’s been a hassle and a couple of things that could prevent me from doing so, but I’m going to try and stay positive and pray that everything works out. I’m just going to speak it into existence. I’m going to be moving in soon! There we go. Haha. Well, mentally I’ve been average. I’m not having as many migraines as I normally would, but physically, it’s been pretty bad. I could not tell you what it is because I’m super clueless myself. Maybe all of the stress and work has been affecting my body. I’m not sure. I really wanted to go to school this year. I had nothing left, but to take my test. I scheduled it, paid for it, and everything. I woke up that day and all I could think about was making sure that I got a place to live that day and getting to work on time. When I accomplished both of those I realized that my test was that morning and I missed it. I was upset for a minute, but I had to pull myself together. Just because I’m not going this year doesn’t mean I can’t go at all. I’ll go next year. I have goals and I’m super determined to reach them. There’s been a lot that’s made me feel a little discouraged sometimes, but I have to learn to ignore those feelings.

I believe that things will work out for the better. There’s no way that I’m going through all of this just to get nowhere. I believe that all of my struggles are molding me into the person that I need to be. I’ve become forced to become an adult lmao. I recently turned 22 on the 25th of this month. I’m doing a couple of things that I’ve wanted to do. It might not be getting done the way I expected to, but it’s getting done. That’s why I look at everything as a blessing in disguise. I’m so grateful. I just wish I could slow down on the stress and anxiety I feel every day. I’ll have to get back into having conversations with God and taking care of myself and not just everyone else…which I’m not used to doing so yeah. Lol. Wish me luck because this is only the beginning…

Goodnight.  ❤

 

Enlightenment

Dear Me… 7/15/2017

Dear me…

Once again I’m sitting here semi-close to being an emotional wreck. Wondering why and how I got here? The only difference is, it’s not the same as all the other times. This time I am going to try my hardest to ignore all negative thoughts and emotions that try to cloud my head tonight. Even though my anxiety is trying its best to consume me…I won’t allow it.

I’ve had so much on my mind these past few weeks turned months. Funny but not so funny thing about life is that it seems like whenever you’re trying to get it together, things go left. I thought I had a plan, a plan to start my own dessert business and to become this successful person so fast. I was in way over my head. The funny thing about that is, I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t want that…at least not right away. I got a call from an employer who wanted to schedule an interview with ME. The same person who complained about not wanting to work for anyone, but myself. Little did I know, I wasn’t going to make it that far without any help and little knowledge. Anyway, I went to the interview and got the job about a week later. It’s been a long process, but I’m grateful for it. During the time of going through all the necessary steps to be officially hired, I was put out of my former living situation because of the actions of someone else.  It’s a long story… Even though I did nothing wrong, I hold no anger towards the situation, but I have been quite confused about it all. All of this is really forcing me to grow a pair and GROW UP. That is something that I’ve wanted for years, but I allowed fear to stand in the way of that. I’ve been so stressed this past couple of weeks because of all that came with this. I’ve been broke, trying to sleep in a car and sleep deprived of trying to sleep in the car. I’ve realised that it’s time to finally get out there. I’m working on getting my own place, but I’m still waiting for someone to contact me about starting training with the job. Although, it’s only been five day’s it feels like forever when you’re in this situation. I’ve gone over every scenario in my head, negative and positive. It doesn’t help…CLEARLY. It could just be because I’m anxious. I try so hard to not come off as complaining when I’m trying to confide in someone. I’ve always been told that I’m too sensitive and was made to believe my feelings weren’t important. All of that is a part of why I deal with anxiety period. I’ve learned how to handle it though, but maybe that’s why It feels like this waiting process is taking so long.

It’s just that I never realised how much I need a job like this to start living and learning new things. Working at this job will also help me with my future goals and I know that I can bring a lot to the job. This could be a really great thing. I could learn so much by working there. Anyway, I found multiple affordable places to live, but I have to start working in order to get there. It just seems too right, you know? All of this cannot be happening for no apparent reason. There has to be something behind this, right? I’ve been considering waiting until Monday and if no word, maybe I could call and follow up. That’s the best thing, right? All I know is, I have to try my best to calm down. Stressing over it isn’t going to help. One thing that I’ve learned is patience is key. I have to be patient and find the lesson in all of this. I’m extremely grateful for all of this even though it’s been a bumpy and emotional road. I almost slipped up and allowed my emotions to get the best of me tonight. That’s why I’m writing this post tonight. Some good things did come from this situation. I learned who was truly there for me and who wasn’t. I learned new things about myself and I realised how strong I am. One thing that I always try to remember is there is someone out there having a tougher time than I am. That humbles me and reminds me of my dream to help others.I have grown mentally and spiritually. I know I can do this. I just have to put it out there. Positive vibes only, right?

Goodnight.  ❤

Enlightenment

Dear Me… 7/14/2017

So, yesterday I finally took the time to update my blog. It’s not the greatest right now, but it isn’t bad. I decided to take my personal thoughts and write them here. I always do it in a notebook, but I want to share with my soon to be viewers as well. Just in case you’re wondering why it’s called “Dear Me”, I’m not sure what to tell you. Lol. One day I was writing in my notebook while I was upset, and I decided to write Dear Me at the top. So when I look back at these entries in the future, it’ll be like I wrote letters to myself. Writing helps to comfort me. I’m a very private person so doing this is going to be a little hard for me because some of the things that I’ll share will probably be very personal. I won’t share every little detail, but a just a bit. I’m doing this to step outside of my comfort zone. It took me my entire life to stop caring about what others think and to realise that their opinion doesn’t matter. I want to keep it that way. So, I’ll do what’s hard for me, which is share my feelings with you guys. This isn’t gonna be perfect. If there are grammatical errors…cool! Then it’ll be just like a journal/diary. I guess we’ll just call this the intro to this.

If you checked in today. Thanks. Enjoy your day, babes.

-Leigh