Once again I’m sitting here semi-close to being an emotional wreck. Wondering why and how I got here? The only difference is, it’s not the same as all the other times. This time I am going to try my hardest to ignore all negative thoughts and emotions that try to cloud my head tonight. Even though my anxiety is trying its best to consume me…I won’t allow it.
I’ve had so much on my mind these past few weeks turned months. Funny but not so funny thing about life is that it seems like whenever you’re trying to get it together, things go left. I thought I had a plan, a plan to start my own dessert business and to become this successful person so fast. I was in way over my head. The funny thing about that is, I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t want that…at least not right away. I got a call from an employer who wanted to schedule an interview with ME. The same person who complained about not wanting to work for anyone, but myself. Little did I know, I wasn’t going to make it that far without any help and little knowledge. Anyway, I went to the interview and got the job about a week later. It’s been a long process, but I’m grateful for it. During the time of going through all the necessary steps to be officially hired, I was put out of my former living situation because of the actions of someone else. It’s a long story… Even though I did nothing wrong, I hold no anger towards the situation, but I have been quite confused about it all. All of this is really forcing me to grow a pair and GROW UP. That is something that I’ve wanted for years, but I allowed fear to stand in the way of that. I’ve been so stressed this past couple of weeks because of all that came with this. I’ve been broke, trying to sleep in a car and sleep deprived of trying to sleep in the car. I’ve realised that it’s time to finally get out there. I’m working on getting my own place, but I’m still waiting for someone to contact me about starting training with the job. Although, it’s only been five day’s it feels like forever when you’re in this situation. I’ve gone over every scenario in my head, negative and positive. It doesn’t help…CLEARLY. It could just be because I’m anxious. I try so hard to not come off as complaining when I’m trying to confide in someone. I’ve always been told that I’m too sensitive and was made to believe my feelings weren’t important. All of that is a part of why I deal with anxiety period. I’ve learned how to handle it though, but maybe that’s why It feels like this waiting process is taking so long.
It’s just that I never realised how much I need a job like this to start living and learning new things. Working at this job will also help me with my future goals and I know that I can bring a lot to the job. This could be a really great thing. I could learn so much by working there. Anyway, I found multiple affordable places to live, but I have to start working in order to get there. It just seems too right, you know? All of this cannot be happening for no apparent reason. There has to be something behind this, right? I’ve been considering waiting until Monday and if no word, maybe I could call and follow up. That’s the best thing, right? All I know is, I have to try my best to calm down. Stressing over it isn’t going to help. One thing that I’ve learned is patience is key. I have to be patient and find the lesson in all of this. I’m extremely grateful for all of this even though it’s been a bumpy and emotional road. I almost slipped up and allowed my emotions to get the best of me tonight. That’s why I’m writing this post tonight. Some good things did come from this situation. I learned who was truly there for me and who wasn’t. I learned new things about myself and I realised how strong I am. One thing that I always try to remember is there is someone out there having a tougher time than I am. That humbles me and reminds me of my dream to help others.I have grown mentally and spiritually. I know I can do this. I just have to put it out there. Positive vibes only, right?