Enlightenment

Dear Me…8/29/2017

Dear Me…

So… It’s been a while. A longggg time actually. I’m pretty sure the last time I wrote something was back in July? Yeah, that sounds about right. Anyway, I was going through a pretty crappy time then and things have gotten slightly better. Pretty sure I screwed something up with my jaw this morning. Still don’t know how, but the pain that I’m feeling when I talk tells me that I most definitely screwed up. ALSO, I’m having some eye trouble so I’ll be taking some trips to some people who are gonna charge me money that I don’t have. Yay, ADULTHOOD! Lmao. On a serious note… I try my best to stay positive about things even when they tend to stress me out or terrify me. Anyway, back to what I came here to do which was to update myself and this blog on what’s happened since my slight mental breakdown.

Yeah,  last month I tried to harm myself. I’m not sure there’s any other way to say that. I went to a place mentally that I’ve never been before. I want to say it wasn’t that serious, but I would be lying. Honestly, I truly believed that the world would have been better off without me. I spent an entire day feeling numb and over it. I was determined and every time that I think about that it scares me because I never want to feel that way again. I won’t go into detail about that day, but yeah…it was pretty bad. I’ve had some things that I’ve kept bottled up. I’ve held on to so many hurtful things from my past… like being molested, being bullied, and abused on top of other things. I’ve felt sorry for myself for so long and after that day I had to choose to stop doing that. Yes, I still feel pain sometimes and my anxiety is still there, but I try my best not to let it get the best of me. Last time I wrote something I was talking about how afraid I was of not getting the job that I currently have. Well, I’ll give you the good news instead of the negative. This job has been a blessing. There are some negatives that have come with it, but I choose to ignore them. Some POSITIVES that have come from it are I have slightly broken out of my terrified and anti-social shell.Then again talking to people has never been a huge problem when I’m working. It when I’m not working that’s the problem. Lol. Also, I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve met someone who I plan on keeping in my life for the rest of my life. Which would shock a lot of people that know me because I’ve always been set on not making any more friends that are girls because the thought used to terrify me. Lmao. I know how this sounds, but hear me out. I was bullied a lot when I was younger and a lot of my not so great memories come from some girls in my past. So, for awhile I believed that the female species was evil. Lmfao! I don’t feel that way now…kind of…LOL.

Well, back to the update. I am no longer without a place to live. I finally found an affordable place to live. It’s been a hassle and a couple of things that could prevent me from doing so, but I’m going to try and stay positive and pray that everything works out. I’m just going to speak it into existence. I’m going to be moving in soon! There we go. Haha. Well, mentally I’ve been average. I’m not having as many migraines as I normally would, but physically, it’s been pretty bad. I could not tell you what it is because I’m super clueless myself. Maybe all of the stress and work has been affecting my body. I’m not sure. I really wanted to go to school this year. I had nothing left, but to take my test. I scheduled it, paid for it, and everything. I woke up that day and all I could think about was making sure that I got a place to live that day and getting to work on time. When I accomplished both of those I realized that my test was that morning and I missed it. I was upset for a minute, but I had to pull myself together. Just because I’m not going this year doesn’t mean I can’t go at all. I’ll go next year. I have goals and I’m super determined to reach them. There’s been a lot that’s made me feel a little discouraged sometimes, but I have to learn to ignore those feelings.

I believe that things will work out for the better. There’s no way that I’m going through all of this just to get nowhere. I believe that all of my struggles are molding me into the person that I need to be. I’ve become forced to become an adult lmao. I recently turned 22 on the 25th of this month. I’m doing a couple of things that I’ve wanted to do. It might not be getting done the way I expected to, but it’s getting done. That’s why I look at everything as a blessing in disguise. I’m so grateful. I just wish I could slow down on the stress and anxiety I feel every day. I’ll have to get back into having conversations with God and taking care of myself and not just everyone else…which I’m not used to doing so yeah. Lol. Wish me luck because this is only the beginning…

Goodnight.  ❤

 

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Enlightenment

Dear Me… 7/15/2017

Dear me…

Once again I’m sitting here semi-close to being an emotional wreck. Wondering why and how I got here? The only difference is, it’s not the same as all the other times. This time I am going to try my hardest to ignore all negative thoughts and emotions that try to cloud my head tonight. Even though my anxiety is trying its best to consume me…I won’t allow it.

I’ve had so much on my mind these past few weeks turned months. Funny but not so funny thing about life is that it seems like whenever you’re trying to get it together, things go left. I thought I had a plan, a plan to start my own dessert business and to become this successful person so fast. I was in way over my head. The funny thing about that is, I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t want that…at least not right away. I got a call from an employer who wanted to schedule an interview with ME. The same person who complained about not wanting to work for anyone, but myself. Little did I know, I wasn’t going to make it that far without any help and little knowledge. Anyway, I went to the interview and got the job about a week later. It’s been a long process, but I’m grateful for it. During the time of going through all the necessary steps to be officially hired, I was put out of my former living situation because of the actions of someone else.  It’s a long story… Even though I did nothing wrong, I hold no anger towards the situation, but I have been quite confused about it all. All of this is really forcing me to grow a pair and GROW UP. That is something that I’ve wanted for years, but I allowed fear to stand in the way of that. I’ve been so stressed this past couple of weeks because of all that came with this. I’ve been broke, trying to sleep in a car and sleep deprived of trying to sleep in the car. I’ve realised that it’s time to finally get out there. I’m working on getting my own place, but I’m still waiting for someone to contact me about starting training with the job. Although, it’s only been five day’s it feels like forever when you’re in this situation. I’ve gone over every scenario in my head, negative and positive. It doesn’t help…CLEARLY. It could just be because I’m anxious. I try so hard to not come off as complaining when I’m trying to confide in someone. I’ve always been told that I’m too sensitive and was made to believe my feelings weren’t important. All of that is a part of why I deal with anxiety period. I’ve learned how to handle it though, but maybe that’s why It feels like this waiting process is taking so long.

It’s just that I never realised how much I need a job like this to start living and learning new things. Working at this job will also help me with my future goals and I know that I can bring a lot to the job. This could be a really great thing. I could learn so much by working there. Anyway, I found multiple affordable places to live, but I have to start working in order to get there. It just seems too right, you know? All of this cannot be happening for no apparent reason. There has to be something behind this, right? I’ve been considering waiting until Monday and if no word, maybe I could call and follow up. That’s the best thing, right? All I know is, I have to try my best to calm down. Stressing over it isn’t going to help. One thing that I’ve learned is patience is key. I have to be patient and find the lesson in all of this. I’m extremely grateful for all of this even though it’s been a bumpy and emotional road. I almost slipped up and allowed my emotions to get the best of me tonight. That’s why I’m writing this post tonight. Some good things did come from this situation. I learned who was truly there for me and who wasn’t. I learned new things about myself and I realised how strong I am. One thing that I always try to remember is there is someone out there having a tougher time than I am. That humbles me and reminds me of my dream to help others.I have grown mentally and spiritually. I know I can do this. I just have to put it out there. Positive vibes only, right?

Goodnight.  ❤

Enlightenment

Dear Me… 7/14/2017

So, yesterday I finally took the time to update my blog. It’s not the greatest right now, but it isn’t bad. I decided to take my personal thoughts and write them here. I always do it in a notebook, but I want to share with my soon to be viewers as well. Just in case you’re wondering why it’s called “Dear Me”, I’m not sure what to tell you. Lol. One day I was writing in my notebook while I was upset, and I decided to write Dear Me at the top. So when I look back at these entries in the future, it’ll be like I wrote letters to myself. Writing helps to comfort me. I’m a very private person so doing this is going to be a little hard for me because some of the things that I’ll share will probably be very personal. I won’t share every little detail, but a just a bit. I’m doing this to step outside of my comfort zone. It took me my entire life to stop caring about what others think and to realise that their opinion doesn’t matter. I want to keep it that way. So, I’ll do what’s hard for me, which is share my feelings with you guys. This isn’t gonna be perfect. If there are grammatical errors…cool! Then it’ll be just like a journal/diary. I guess we’ll just call this the intro to this.

If you checked in today. Thanks. Enjoy your day, babes.

-Leigh

Enlightenment

Befriending Yourself First & Relationships/Friendships Thoughts

Hey!

So when I first published this post I hadn’t realized that I typed over 2000 words. lol I was into it. I’ll be cutting it down into two parts. Thanks for reading in advance! 

Have you ever felt not good enough? Or someone makes you feel like the lowest of the low? Well, I know that I have. It’s a crappy feeling. I feel as though we as humans can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We sometimes blame ourselves for the wrong doing of others. At one point that was me. I’ve had so many troubled “friendships” and it took me YEARS to figure out why the same problem kept recurring. I’ve had people use me over and over again because they knew that I had a good heart and would do anything for them. My problem in a way was being a pushover. My best friend used to tell me all the time and I would get angry. Deep down I knew that it was true…I was a pushover. 

I had family problems. I allowed girls that I called my best friends to pretty much take my boyfriends. Just like that. I was upset, but the thought of losing a friend hurt me more and I would easily forgive them. I’ve had terrible relationships with people. I’ve allowed people to talk down on me, to betray me and blame me when problems surfaced because they didn’t want to take the heat. I’m not innocent and can be annoying at times. I did have my share of moments. Also, I’m not saying I’m the PERFECT friend nor am I playing “victim”, but I am saying that I did try too hard to be one. I made sure that I was always there for them, even when I had problems. So when time came around to talk about my problems no one was there. 

I would wonder why day in and day out. It became me. Questioning myself…wondering why no one “loved” me. I did everything I could to try and please them and make sure that they were okay. It’s just in my nature to care about people. Even if you’re a stranger…if you’re hurt I would try my best to help you and make sure that you never feel that way. It sucks that I can’t do that for everyone. I’m just very sensitive when it comes to seeing other people down. It got so bad that I focused more on my friends than I did myself. I didn’t make sure that I was okay. I didn’t make sure that I had everything that I needed to done. I lost myself trying to care for others. I became tired…I became bitter and angry. Wondering why they were just fine and I wasn’t. 

I lost myself. Especially, during my past relationship. I allowed him to really do a number on me. If it wasn’t dealing with his nosy family or racist father…it was just the relationship itself. It started off just fine…like most relationships & friendships do. We were good for about two years, but then things became hectic again. I began to do the same thing. So much to the point that I worried myself half to death making sure that he was okay and safe. I won’t say it ran him away, but I know it played a part. I made mistakes & he did too. We hurt each other, but I was still hung up. You know thinking he was my “first love”. I felt alone. I got rid of all of the people that I called “friends”. I let all of that lead me to almost hurting myself fatally, but something that my sister said stuck with me. She told me to never let any boy or man make me feel the way that I did…to never let them make me cry like that. It woke me up. I began to better myself. I’m in love with Katy Perry’s music right? So around that time the song “Wide Awake” was out. I loved that song. Anyway, it came on one night and I began to sing it. As I sang along with Katy, I started to feel good. I no longer cared about why he didn’t call me or why he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I felt so happy. I replayed it over and over that night just feeling free. I stopped caring about that past relationship. I stopped being so hurt by the awful friendships that I had and I was myself. It was amazing.

I’ll finish up in part two. Thanks for reading, loves. – Leigh.