Hey! So, here is part two of my last post. Thanks in advance for reading.
I started to care about myself more doing what I wanted to do…and that sounds just fine and dandy right? I did all of those things, but I still wasn’t fully taking care of myself. See at the time I was in high school, so by the time I had done all of that my grades were in a RUT. I mean just straight up DOWN…BURIED. You get the point…I hadn’t been focused on the right things. My guidance counselor tried her best to help me from the moment that I transferred to that school..that was another thing that affected me terribly…that school. That’s another story for another time though. Anyway, she tried her hardest to help me bring them up. I saw her all of the time we worked on it together. I took the classes I had failed over, but there were too many and not enough time. Graduation was around the corner and even though I tried my hardest…I didn’t make it. So I wasn’t graduating with my class. I was so disappointed in myself. I was also sad because I only had two classes left to take and that diploma would be mine. We didn’t have enough money for the classes. I think they were about $200 or $400 dollars each. I began to go back into that dark place, but on the day of the graduation two of my closest friends came to me and tried their best to cheer me up. I was still upset, but it wasn’t as bad.
I didn’t go to school for an entire year after that. I started to work on myself little by little. I spent more and more time with myself and my best friend turned boyfriend. Haha. I started to do what made me happy, but I still needed to go out into the world and start “adulting” at least a little. Lol. I knew that I needed a job and I needed my GED/High school Equivalent to get one. So I enrolled into school and began to go, but then the school that was closest to me went bankrupt and shut down. So that left me with no choice, but to go to one that was further away from my home. It worked out well because my boyfriends college was only one mile away from the school. So I went and I earned my High school Equivalent. I did it. I even learned more about math ( that I hated) and I was proud.
So after that I just began working. Between that time I also had a set of friends that I had let back into my life…I started that thing again where I cared too much. They used me and I felt like they didn’t care. The only time that they talked to me was when they needed me. I was left alone.. They would come to me with their problems with boyfriends, girlfriends, and just friends and me being the overprotective friend that I was would start to pretty much care a little TOO much. I didn’t realize how aggressive I was being until fast forward to 2016…POSSIBLY THE WORST YEAR YET FOR ME. I was down constantly working at jobs that ended up being terrible for me. I would give them my all and they would use me. On top of that every single one was filled with gossiping and mean spirited employees and managers. When I don’t feel comfortable I will leave that job and that’s what I did. I became depressed again and started feeling sorry for myself and allowing everyone’s harsh words and past hurts to tear me down. It was awful. I was at the lowest that I had ever been. I didn’t care about anything or what happened to a me. I was just there. One day, I woke up and felt so much anger… a longgggg list of terrible things happened that day. I wont go into detail, but I will say that it was really a wake up call. I decided that I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I decided that I was done. I really started to work towards being better, eventually I quit that terrible job, I let go of anyone that I felt contributed to my sadness. Even if i really did care about them I let them go.
Ever since then, there has been no drama, no anger just me and my baby. Lol. I felt relieved…for so long I worried about other people because I thought it was my duty. I tried my hardest to make sure that my family members liked me and it would drive me crazy when they made it seem like they didn’t. I realized I don’t need to think this way. I wasn’t living for any of them. I needed to live for me and do what’s right for me. I’m better now. I still have my moments, but they’re not as bad. My anxiety is sooo much better. I don’t remember my last panic attack. I’m just trying to make this year of my life the life changing year. I want to be happy and live and do exciting things. I’m finally enrolled in college. I’m still job searching, but it’ll come. I’m working towards being who I want to be. I’m trying to break out of this shell that I hid in for so long because I felt that people hurt other people so I didn’t want to interact with them at all. I cut my hair and I’m working on living a healthy lifestlye. Almost everyday I find something that I love about myself. I find a piece of me everyday. My relationship with my current boyfriend has been one of the only things that’s kept me going. We have many moments, but we’re still here. Every now and then I’ll randomly text one of my ex-friends and see how she’s doing. I still care, but I know that I can’t go back to any of them because they weren’t good for me. My thing is you can love someone all you want, but is that person contributing to your sadness or your happiness? I guess it takes a long time for some. Sometimes it’s harder to let go. TRUST ME I know. I’m not writing this to be arrogant or make someone feel bad…I promise. I just want people to see that with time and sometimes A LOT of time…it can get better,babe. It takes a while and that’s okay. It took me a majority of my life. I understand. I’m here to talk to anyone or if you just want me to listen I’ll do that too. Depression is hard…Anxiety is tough to deal with. We all deal with it in our own way. All I have left to say is…YOU CAN DO THIS & I’m here.
Thanks for reading, loves. – Leigh.