So when I first published this post I hadn’t realized that I typed over 2000 words. lol I was into it. I’ll be cutting it down into two parts. Thanks for reading in advance!
Have you ever felt not good enough? Or someone makes you feel like the lowest of the low? Well, I know that I have. It’s a crappy feeling. I feel as though we as humans can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We sometimes blame ourselves for the wrong doing of others. At one point that was me. I’ve had so many troubled “friendships” and it took me YEARS to figure out why the same problem kept recurring. I’ve had people use me over and over again because they knew that I had a good heart and would do anything for them. My problem in a way was being a pushover. My best friend used to tell me all the time and I would get angry. Deep down I knew that it was true…I was a pushover.
I had family problems. I allowed girls that I called my best friends to pretty much take my boyfriends. Just like that. I was upset, but the thought of losing a friend hurt me more and I would easily forgive them. I’ve had terrible relationships with people. I’ve allowed people to talk down on me, to betray me and blame me when problems surfaced because they didn’t want to take the heat. I’m not innocent and can be annoying at times. I did have my share of moments. Also, I’m not saying I’m the PERFECT friend nor am I playing “victim”, but I am saying that I did try too hard to be one. I made sure that I was always there for them, even when I had problems. So when time came around to talk about my problems no one was there.
I would wonder why day in and day out. It became me. Questioning myself…wondering why no one “loved” me. I did everything I could to try and please them and make sure that they were okay. It’s just in my nature to care about people. Even if you’re a stranger…if you’re hurt I would try my best to help you and make sure that you never feel that way. It sucks that I can’t do that for everyone. I’m just very sensitive when it comes to seeing other people down. It got so bad that I focused more on my friends than I did myself. I didn’t make sure that I was okay. I didn’t make sure that I had everything that I needed to done. I lost myself trying to care for others. I became tired…I became bitter and angry. Wondering why they were just fine and I wasn’t.
I lost myself. Especially, during my past relationship. I allowed him to really do a number on me. If it wasn’t dealing with his nosy family or racist father…it was just the relationship itself. It started off just fine…like most relationships & friendships do. We were good for about two years, but then things became hectic again. I began to do the same thing. So much to the point that I worried myself half to death making sure that he was okay and safe. I won’t say it ran him away, but I know it played a part. I made mistakes & he did too. We hurt each other, but I was still hung up. You know thinking he was my “first love”. I felt alone. I got rid of all of the people that I called “friends”. I let all of that lead me to almost hurting myself fatally, but something that my sister said stuck with me. She told me to never let any boy or man make me feel the way that I did…to never let them make me cry like that. It woke me up. I began to better myself. I’m in love with Katy Perry’s music right? So around that time the song “Wide Awake” was out. I loved that song. Anyway, it came on one night and I began to sing it. As I sang along with Katy, I started to feel good. I no longer cared about why he didn’t call me or why he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I felt so happy. I replayed it over and over that night just feeling free. I stopped caring about that past relationship. I stopped being so hurt by the awful friendships that I had and I was myself. It was amazing.
I’ll finish up in part two. Thanks for reading, loves. – Leigh.