Personal Entries!

happiness.

You know what makes me happy? The little things. Sunsets, night time, music, writing, reading… just to name more than a few. Haha. Even though that’s not even half of it. There are so many things that give me those little moments of happiness and that’s what makes me grateful for life. I’m going to be a god mother on top of being an aunt to 6 beautiful little human beings. Haha.

Anyway, I️ was just sitting here listening to this song I️ just discovered. I asked Siri to play some jazz music and she did not disappoint lol I️ just thought about all the music that I️ love. I️ realized how calm it makes me. Older Jazz especially. I️ love to imagine myself in that time. If I️ ever hung out with any of you, you’d probably hear me say “that’s my jam” to almost every song that plays. Lol.

I️ love pastel colors and the shapes of things. I️ love art. I️ love what some may call graffiti. I️ love when people express themselves through art and music. It brings me joy that’s indescribable. I️ love reading. The thought of a new book makes me so happy. I️ used to love going to stores and the library, discovering a random book and bringing it home instantly. Even though they say you can’t judge a book by its cover, when it comes to actual books, I️ do. Haha. I️ love dramatic ones and some suspense and horror. No so much the romantic things unless it’s Twilight. I’m one of those. *shrugs*

I️ love rain. I️ love riding in the car going on random drives to places we just so happen to find sometimes. I️ love my little short trips that I take to Little Rock, Arkansas. I️ get to look at history each time. It reminds of the many blessing we have and sometimes reminds me that some negative things haven’t changed. Even though I️ feel like I️ can’t take on the world alone. I’m reminded to not be apart of that negativity. I️ love driving through the country and seeing how beautiful nature can be. I️ love seeing history from the old towns to the homes that have been there for years.

Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve been there. I️ love my church. It’s not like the hypocritical ones that I️ grew up in or the ones that have traumatized some people in life. This one does exactly what it needs to do and heals. Sends that message each time. I’ve grown apart from religion and certain things lately, but I️ talk to God daily. I’m unapologetic about it. He loves me and for that I’m grateful. That brings me happiness.

I️ love shows all kinds of movies and tv shows. HGTV, History, And Food network. Just to name the main ones. Haha. I️ love cooking, I️ love homes and watching them being built and designed. I️ love history the true kind… I’m in love with nature. I️ love astronomy and astrology and connecting the two. I️ love crescent moons, sunflowers and four leaf clovers. I️ believe in good. Though it may not be shown by some every day, I️ believe that it still exists. I️ love interacting with people. The rude ones have had their fun lately and have taken me out of my character a little, but I️ will go back to trying my best to ignore that negativity.

There are so many things that I️ enjoy. That’s not even half of it. These are things I️ want to go back and read when I’m feeling low. I️ feels it’s important to remind myself of what brings me happiness. Even if it’s only for a short period of time sometimes. I️ want to get back to being who I️ was and better. I️ wanna be great y’all.

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Enlightenment

Dear Me… 12.14.17

So… you don’t realize how much of your time has gone by until you have a blog to remind you. Haha. Almost four months since my last entry. A lot has happened since my last emotional breakdown. With that being said I’m extremely tired of them. I’m over the constant sadness that depression and anxiety brings each day. I’m tired of masking it with a smile and jokes for those that around me daily. Today I am DONE. I️ have had the craziest breakthrough moment.

You guys won’t even believe the crazy things that have happened these past couple of months. I’m really not up for typing all of that. I️ may break all of that down into separate entry’s. Anyway, this post isn’t really that put together. It’s just me rambling and typing whatever I️ feel at the moment. As I️ sit here and listen to one of my favorite songs… Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding. ( amazing btw) I️ can’t help but think about my love life and the relationship I’ve been in for almost 5 years. I’m only 22 so let’s keep that in mind… I’ve spent these past couple of years in this relationship pretending to be happy. The relationship started off wonderful, but slowly turned into me caring for someone else 24/7 and not myself. I️ began to put my feelings to the side for them and for former “friends”. I’ve waited around for this person and I’ve allowed them to hurt me everyday for years without even noticing until today.

My whole life I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive and dramatic…so I️ would just keep almost everything that I️ felt to myself. Everyone in our lives sees this person as the nice guy who can do no wrong. So imagine trying to confide in someone when they’re going to blame you and say that the guy could do no such thing. So I’ve had no one to talk to. For years I’ve allowed myself to be that person that everyone goes to for their problems. Even when I️ wanted people to be there for me they weren’t. When I️ cried out for help, and they tried even just a little, I️ didn’t know how to trust them. I️ don’t know how to trust anyone at this point. I’ve gotten to the point when’re I feel like everyone will let me down. I️ hate to say that because I️ know not everyone has ill will towards me… I️ just don’t know how to trust anymore.

I️ didn’t explain things too well with the relationship and friendship problems. I️ got a little side tracked. I️ used to be the person who would give people multiple chances and I️ would always try my best to see the good in people. Now I’ve allowed other people’s actions to destroy who I️ am as a person. It feels like every time that I️ believe I’ve met a genuine person they prove me wrong. And it’s not that I️ just go looking for problems with people. I️ really do give them shot and I’m patient. Even when I️ see red flags. I️ met this person who I’ve recently become friends with. Well, long story short, he’s pretty cool… I️ mean he has a good heart. Silly and a QUEEN as he would call himself lol. We have a lot in common. I️ love hanging out with him and his boyfriend. It’s just recently they’ve started becoming too comfortable they make racial jokes that I️ don’t think are amusing. They’ve started to use that word… you know. The one that stirs up all that DRAMA and a part of me wants to be fine with it because I️ see the good parts of them, but it’s become too uncomfortable. Would I️ be wrong to take a break from them? Am I️ over reacting? I️ really do like them I️ just don’t want to get into any type of argument with them or anyone over this situation. Then my relationship. I️ don’t want to leave. I️ mean damn near five years. COME ON. Me and this person were friends before this. I’ve always considered them my best friend. It’s just I’ve taken the back burner the entire time. I️ haven’t received the love or attention I️ know that I️ deserve. I️ just don’t know. I’ve started to look at other guys. I’ve imagined myself with other guys. These are things I️ could never do before even if I️ tried. I️m trying to see it as a rough patch, but I️ don’t know.

I’ve cut people out of my life that I feel needed to go. There was another person I️ considered a friend, but I’m starting to think I️ may not know the definition of that word too well. This person tore me down with words. He told me that I tried to hard to be different, he told me that I️ wasn’t different all because we aren’t on the same page with a lot of things I️ think he views negatively. I’ve allowed him to tear me down for a while. It’s not just him though. There were others. I️ realized I️ had to stop keeping people around just because I️ don’t want to be alone. It’s just hard. Growing up as a child feeling alone and to be a young adult now and still feel the same pain I’ve felt for years it sucks. Those that write off depression and tell you to suck it up really do SUCK. I️ “suck it up” everyday. I️ hide my sadness from the world because I️ don’t want to be seen as weak. Anxiety and depression have become such a fad now that no one pays attention to it. So yes. I️ feel alone every day. I️ know there are those rare and amazing people that have told me that I️ could come to them if needed…like Damn, Girl. Haha, thanks love. I️ just don’t know how to do it sometimes. Sometimes it’s me being there for others. Lately, that’s all it has been. Just me going with the flow every day not even paying attention to myself.

I’ve cut out damn near all of my friends, my relationship is crazy right now and I️ don’t know how to feel. There have been work related situations that you guys wouldn’t even believe if I️ told you, that has led me to feeling this way again. I️ have a couple of reasons, but I’m not sure how to share them. I️ don’t want to be seen as complaining. There’s always so much on my mind 24/7 and I️ don’t know what to do with any of it. I’ve started having nightmares again… not your basic scary killer ones… I️ mean graphic and sometimes way deeper than they should be. My anxiety has gotten worse again. Today I️ destroyed my apartment out of frustration. I️ threw everything around. I’m not embarrassed to say. We all have moments. I️ think I️ reached my breaking point. I️ needed to let it out. People will write it off as you’re young it’s just a phase. Sometimes that’s not the case. I️ should be focused on me and my goals in life. Focused on getting closer to God. I️ know everyone doesn’t believe, but I’m a believer so sorry not sorry. Anyway, I️ want to learn things and explore things I️ want to spend my time and days helping other people. That’s all I️ want, man. I’ve never wanted anything more.

It seems like all I️ can do is worry about everyone else in my life and if they’re okay. I️ don’t even know how to care for myself. I️ don’t know what it means to love myself anymore. All of this has made me lose my confidence and ambition…all of that and I’m so angry at myself for getting to this points. Now, all I️ want to do is focus on getting back on track and loving myself and again. I️ guess I’ll stop here for now. I’ve just felt the strong urge to write lately and I’m glad that I️ did. I️ became embarrassed and didn’t want anyone who read my post to just think of me as the sad person all the time. Today I️ choose not to care. This is real life and this is what I️ feel so if you understand thank you. I’ll be back soon…

Goodnight ♥️

Enlightenment

Dear Me…8/29/2017

Dear Me…

So… It’s been a while. A longggg time actually. I’m pretty sure the last time I wrote something was back in July? Yeah, that sounds about right. Anyway, I was going through a pretty crappy time then and things have gotten slightly better. Pretty sure I screwed something up with my jaw this morning. Still don’t know how, but the pain that I’m feeling when I talk tells me that I most definitely screwed up. ALSO, I’m having some eye trouble so I’ll be taking some trips to some people who are gonna charge me money that I don’t have. Yay, ADULTHOOD! Lmao. On a serious note… I try my best to stay positive about things even when they tend to stress me out or terrify me. Anyway, back to what I came here to do which was to update myself and this blog on what’s happened since my slight mental breakdown.

Yeah,  last month I tried to harm myself. I’m not sure there’s any other way to say that. I went to a place mentally that I’ve never been before. I want to say it wasn’t that serious, but I would be lying. Honestly, I truly believed that the world would have been better off without me. I spent an entire day feeling numb and over it. I was determined and every time that I think about that it scares me because I never want to feel that way again. I won’t go into detail about that day, but yeah…it was pretty bad. I’ve had some things that I’ve kept bottled up. I’ve held on to so many hurtful things from my past… like being molested, being bullied, and abused on top of other things. I’ve felt sorry for myself for so long and after that day I had to choose to stop doing that. Yes, I still feel pain sometimes and my anxiety is still there, but I try my best not to let it get the best of me. Last time I wrote something I was talking about how afraid I was of not getting the job that I currently have. Well, I’ll give you the good news instead of the negative. This job has been a blessing. There are some negatives that have come with it, but I choose to ignore them. Some POSITIVES that have come from it are I have slightly broken out of my terrified and anti-social shell.Then again talking to people has never been a huge problem when I’m working. It when I’m not working that’s the problem. Lol. Also, I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve met someone who I plan on keeping in my life for the rest of my life. Which would shock a lot of people that know me because I’ve always been set on not making any more friends that are girls because the thought used to terrify me. Lmao. I know how this sounds, but hear me out. I was bullied a lot when I was younger and a lot of my not so great memories come from some girls in my past. So, for awhile I believed that the female species was evil. Lmfao! I don’t feel that way now…kind of…LOL.

Well, back to the update. I am no longer without a place to live. I finally found an affordable place to live. It’s been a hassle and a couple of things that could prevent me from doing so, but I’m going to try and stay positive and pray that everything works out. I’m just going to speak it into existence. I’m going to be moving in soon! There we go. Haha. Well, mentally I’ve been average. I’m not having as many migraines as I normally would, but physically, it’s been pretty bad. I could not tell you what it is because I’m super clueless myself. Maybe all of the stress and work has been affecting my body. I’m not sure. I really wanted to go to school this year. I had nothing left, but to take my test. I scheduled it, paid for it, and everything. I woke up that day and all I could think about was making sure that I got a place to live that day and getting to work on time. When I accomplished both of those I realized that my test was that morning and I missed it. I was upset for a minute, but I had to pull myself together. Just because I’m not going this year doesn’t mean I can’t go at all. I’ll go next year. I have goals and I’m super determined to reach them. There’s been a lot that’s made me feel a little discouraged sometimes, but I have to learn to ignore those feelings.

I believe that things will work out for the better. There’s no way that I’m going through all of this just to get nowhere. I believe that all of my struggles are molding me into the person that I need to be. I’ve become forced to become an adult lmao. I recently turned 22 on the 25th of this month. I’m doing a couple of things that I’ve wanted to do. It might not be getting done the way I expected to, but it’s getting done. That’s why I look at everything as a blessing in disguise. I’m so grateful. I just wish I could slow down on the stress and anxiety I feel every day. I’ll have to get back into having conversations with God and taking care of myself and not just everyone else…which I’m not used to doing so yeah. Lol. Wish me luck because this is only the beginning…

Goodnight.  ❤

 

Enlightenment

Dear Me… 7/15/2017

Dear me…

Once again I’m sitting here semi-close to being an emotional wreck. Wondering why and how I got here? The only difference is, it’s not the same as all the other times. This time I am going to try my hardest to ignore all negative thoughts and emotions that try to cloud my head tonight. Even though my anxiety is trying its best to consume me…I won’t allow it.

I’ve had so much on my mind these past few weeks turned months. Funny but not so funny thing about life is that it seems like whenever you’re trying to get it together, things go left. I thought I had a plan, a plan to start my own dessert business and to become this successful person so fast. I was in way over my head. The funny thing about that is, I wasn’t even aware that I didn’t want that…at least not right away. I got a call from an employer who wanted to schedule an interview with ME. The same person who complained about not wanting to work for anyone, but myself. Little did I know, I wasn’t going to make it that far without any help and little knowledge. Anyway, I went to the interview and got the job about a week later. It’s been a long process, but I’m grateful for it. During the time of going through all the necessary steps to be officially hired, I was put out of my former living situation because of the actions of someone else.  It’s a long story… Even though I did nothing wrong, I hold no anger towards the situation, but I have been quite confused about it all. All of this is really forcing me to grow a pair and GROW UP. That is something that I’ve wanted for years, but I allowed fear to stand in the way of that. I’ve been so stressed this past couple of weeks because of all that came with this. I’ve been broke, trying to sleep in a car and sleep deprived of trying to sleep in the car. I’ve realised that it’s time to finally get out there. I’m working on getting my own place, but I’m still waiting for someone to contact me about starting training with the job. Although, it’s only been five day’s it feels like forever when you’re in this situation. I’ve gone over every scenario in my head, negative and positive. It doesn’t help…CLEARLY. It could just be because I’m anxious. I try so hard to not come off as complaining when I’m trying to confide in someone. I’ve always been told that I’m too sensitive and was made to believe my feelings weren’t important. All of that is a part of why I deal with anxiety period. I’ve learned how to handle it though, but maybe that’s why It feels like this waiting process is taking so long.

It’s just that I never realised how much I need a job like this to start living and learning new things. Working at this job will also help me with my future goals and I know that I can bring a lot to the job. This could be a really great thing. I could learn so much by working there. Anyway, I found multiple affordable places to live, but I have to start working in order to get there. It just seems too right, you know? All of this cannot be happening for no apparent reason. There has to be something behind this, right? I’ve been considering waiting until Monday and if no word, maybe I could call and follow up. That’s the best thing, right? All I know is, I have to try my best to calm down. Stressing over it isn’t going to help. One thing that I’ve learned is patience is key. I have to be patient and find the lesson in all of this. I’m extremely grateful for all of this even though it’s been a bumpy and emotional road. I almost slipped up and allowed my emotions to get the best of me tonight. That’s why I’m writing this post tonight. Some good things did come from this situation. I learned who was truly there for me and who wasn’t. I learned new things about myself and I realised how strong I am. One thing that I always try to remember is there is someone out there having a tougher time than I am. That humbles me and reminds me of my dream to help others.I have grown mentally and spiritually. I know I can do this. I just have to put it out there. Positive vibes only, right?

Goodnight.  ❤

Beauty & Glamour

5 Months Post Big Chop: UPDATE

Hey,

So it’s been 5 months since I decided to do the “big chop” and cut almost ALL of my hair off and go natural. Actually, it turned 5 months on the 17th of June. So that means that in a couple of day’s it’ll officially be half a year. Time really does fly! I was so excited when I cut my hair. Of course, I got a couple of looks from people, but who cares? Lol! It was the best thing to do for my hair. I look back at my pictures of my straight and relaxed hair and thought it seemed cute, it was damaged. It was time to let those perms and flat irons go. A lot of people told me that I would go back. I find that funny every time someone says it. Why would I do that, you know? Even though this 4c hair of mine can be a pain in the butt and leave me looking struggly sometimes… I wouldn’t change it for anything. This is my hairs natural state and I don’t want to alter that. I get tempted. Lol. Trust me I do, but nope!

Now, on to this update. I’ve kinda hit a road block… Things got a little rocky and I stopped taking care of my hair like I should. Surprisingly, it still grows. It’s almost 2 inches now. I just feel like it could be healthier. I will say that doing this has really helped with my confidence. It makes me feel raw and like I can accomplish so many things. My life is slightly changing for the better right now. So it’s been hard to keep up with it and this hair of mine but, I’ve finally awakened and realised that I need to get it together. So, it’s back to hair routines, deep conditions, and hot oil treatments. When I can…haha. Things are gonna get busy soon, but I’ll manage. I’m not really sure what I expected my hair to look like. I didn’t want to go off of other peoples hair because we’re all different. There’s a possibility that I might pick my hair out today to see how much it has grown. I’ll have to be extremely careful though. Girl, combing this fro ain’t easy! Lol. I can only imagine how it is for people that have more hair than me. Since it’ll be six months in 3 more days, I’m thinking I’ll just post a picture and quick update then. Stay tuned & thanks for reading.

-Leigh

Enlightenment

Dear Me… 7/14/2017

So, yesterday I finally took the time to update my blog. It’s not the greatest right now, but it isn’t bad. I decided to take my personal thoughts and write them here. I always do it in a notebook, but I want to share with my soon to be viewers as well. Just in case you’re wondering why it’s called “Dear Me”, I’m not sure what to tell you. Lol. One day I was writing in my notebook while I was upset, and I decided to write Dear Me at the top. So when I look back at these entries in the future, it’ll be like I wrote letters to myself. Writing helps to comfort me. I’m a very private person so doing this is going to be a little hard for me because some of the things that I’ll share will probably be very personal. I won’t share every little detail, but a just a bit. I’m doing this to step outside of my comfort zone. It took me my entire life to stop caring about what others think and to realise that their opinion doesn’t matter. I want to keep it that way. So, I’ll do what’s hard for me, which is share my feelings with you guys. This isn’t gonna be perfect. If there are grammatical errors…cool! Then it’ll be just like a journal/diary. I guess we’ll just call this the intro to this.

If you checked in today. Thanks. Enjoy your day, babes.

-Leigh

Uncategorized

Befriending Yourself First & Relationship/Friendships Thoughts CONTINUED

Hey! So, here is part two of my last post. Thanks in advance for reading.

I started to care about myself more doing what I wanted to do…and that sounds just fine and dandy right? I did all of those things, but I still wasn’t fully taking care of myself. See at the time I was in high school, so by the time I had done all of that my grades were in a RUT. I mean just straight up DOWN…BURIED. You get the point…I hadn’t been focused on the right things. My guidance counselor tried her best to help me from the moment that I transferred to that school..that was another thing that affected me terribly…that school. That’s another story for another time though. Anyway, she tried her hardest to help me bring them up. I saw her all of the time we worked on it together. I took the classes I had failed over, but there were too many and not enough time. Graduation was around the corner and even though I tried my hardest…I didn’t make it. So I wasn’t graduating with my class. I was so disappointed in myself. I was also sad because I only had two classes left to take and that diploma would be mine. We didn’t have enough money for the classes. I think they were about $200 or $400 dollars each. I began to go back into that dark place, but on the day of the graduation two of my closest friends came to me and tried their best to cheer me up. I was still upset, but it wasn’t as bad.

I didn’t go to school for an entire year after that. I started to work on myself little by little. I spent more and more time with myself and my best friend turned boyfriend. Haha. I started to do what made me happy, but I still needed  to go out into the world and start “adulting” at least a little. Lol. I knew that I needed a job and I needed my GED/High school Equivalent to get one. So I enrolled into school and began to go, but then the school that was closest to me went bankrupt and shut down. So that left me with no choice, but to go to one that was further away from my home. It worked out well because my boyfriends college was only one mile away from the school. So I went and I earned my High school Equivalent. I did it. I even learned more about math ( that I hated) and I was proud.

So after that I just began working. Between that time I also had a set of friends that I had let back into my life…I started that thing again where I cared too much. They used me and I felt like they didn’t care. The only time that they talked to me was when they needed me. I was left alone.. They would come to me with their problems with boyfriends, girlfriends, and just friends and me being the overprotective friend that I was would start to pretty much care a little TOO much.  I didn’t realize how aggressive I was being until fast forward to 2016…POSSIBLY THE WORST YEAR YET FOR ME. I was down constantly working at jobs that ended up being terrible for me. I would give them my all and they would use me. On top of that every single one was filled with gossiping and mean spirited employees and managers. When I don’t feel comfortable I will leave that job and that’s what I did. I became depressed again and started feeling sorry for myself and allowing everyone’s harsh words and past hurts to tear me down. It was awful. I was at the lowest that I had ever been. I didn’t care about anything or what happened to a me. I was just there. One day, I woke up and felt so much anger… a longgggg list of terrible things happened that day. I wont go into detail, but I will say that it was really a wake up call. I decided that I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I decided that I was done. I really started to work towards being better, eventually I quit that terrible job, I let go of anyone that I felt contributed to my sadness. Even if i really did care about them I let them go.

Ever since then, there has been no drama, no anger just me and my baby. Lol. I felt relieved…for so long I worried about other people because I thought it was my duty. I tried my hardest to make sure that my family members liked me and it would drive me crazy when they made it seem like they didn’t. I realized I don’t need to think this way. I wasn’t living for any of them. I needed to live for me and do what’s right for me. I’m better now. I still have my moments, but they’re not as bad. My anxiety is sooo much better. I don’t remember my last panic attack. I’m just trying to make this year of my life the life changing year. I want to be happy and live and do exciting things. I’m finally enrolled in college. I’m still job searching, but it’ll come. I’m working towards being who I want to be. I’m trying to break out of this shell that I hid in for so long because I felt that people hurt other people so I didn’t want to interact with them at all. I cut my hair and I’m working on living a healthy lifestlye. Almost everyday I find something that I love about myself. I find a piece of me everyday. My relationship with my current boyfriend has been one of the only things that’s kept me going. We have many moments, but we’re still here. Every now and then I’ll randomly text one of my ex-friends and see how she’s doing. I still care, but I know that I can’t go back to any of them because they weren’t good for me. My thing is you can love someone all you want, but is that person contributing to your sadness or your happiness? I guess it takes a long time for some. Sometimes it’s harder to let go. TRUST ME I know. I’m not writing this to be arrogant or make someone feel bad…I promise. I just want people to see that with time and sometimes A LOT of time…it can get better,babe. It takes a while and that’s okay. It took me a majority of my life. I understand. I’m here to talk to anyone or if you just want me to listen I’ll do that too. Depression is hard…Anxiety is tough to deal with. We all deal with it in our own way. All I have left to say is…YOU CAN DO THIS & I’m here.

Thanks for reading, loves. – Leigh.

Uncategorized

Befriending Yourself First & Relationships/Friendships Thoughts

Hey!

So when I first published this post I hadn’t realized that I typed over 2000 words. lol I was into it. I’ll be cutting it down into two parts. Thanks for reading in advance! 

Have you ever felt not good enough? Or someone makes you feel like the lowest of the low? Well, I know that I have. It’s a crappy feeling. I feel as though we as humans can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We sometimes blame ourselves for the wrong doing of others. At one point that was me. I’ve had so many troubled “friendships” and it took me YEARS to figure out why the same problem kept recurring. I’ve had people use me over and over again because they knew that I had a good heart and would do anything for them. My problem in a way was being a pushover. My best friend used to tell me all the time and I would get angry. Deep down I knew that it was true…I was a pushover. 

I had family problems. I allowed girls that I called my best friends to pretty much take my boyfriends. Just like that. I was upset, but the thought of losing a friend hurt me more and I would easily forgive them. I’ve had terrible relationships with people. I’ve allowed people to talk down on me, to betray me and blame me when problems surfaced because they didn’t want to take the heat. I’m not innocent and can be annoying at times. I did have my share of moments. Also, I’m not saying I’m the PERFECT friend nor am I playing “victim”, but I am saying that I did try too hard to be one. I made sure that I was always there for them, even when I had problems. So when time came around to talk about my problems no one was there. 

I would wonder why day in and day out. It became me. Questioning myself…wondering why no one “loved” me. I did everything I could to try and please them and make sure that they were okay. It’s just in my nature to care about people. Even if you’re a stranger…if you’re hurt I would try my best to help you and make sure that you never feel that way. It sucks that I can’t do that for everyone. I’m just very sensitive when it comes to seeing other people down. It got so bad that I focused more on my friends than I did myself. I didn’t make sure that I was okay. I didn’t make sure that I had everything that I needed to done. I lost myself trying to care for others. I became tired…I became bitter and angry. Wondering why they were just fine and I wasn’t. 

I lost myself. Especially, during my past relationship. I allowed him to really do a number on me. If it wasn’t dealing with his nosy family or racist father…it was just the relationship itself. It started off just fine…like most relationships & friendships do. We were good for about two years, but then things became hectic again. I began to do the same thing. So much to the point that I worried myself half to death making sure that he was okay and safe. I won’t say it ran him away, but I know it played a part. I made mistakes & he did too. We hurt each other, but I was still hung up. You know thinking he was my “first love”. I felt alone. I got rid of all of the people that I called “friends”. I let all of that lead me to almost hurting myself fatally, but something that my sister said stuck with me. She told me to never let any boy or man make me feel the way that I did…to never let them make me cry like that. It woke me up. I began to better myself. I’m in love with Katy Perry’s music right? So around that time the song “Wide Awake” was out. I loved that song. Anyway, it came on one night and I began to sing it. As I sang along with Katy, I started to feel good. I no longer cared about why he didn’t call me or why he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I felt so happy. I replayed it over and over that night just feeling free. I stopped caring about that past relationship. I stopped being so hurt by the awful friendships that I had and I was myself. It was amazing.

I’ll finish up in part two. Thanks for reading, loves. – Leigh.

Beauty & Glamour

Beauty’s Only Skin Deep: Big Chop 2017 #goingnatural


Hey
!

So, I cut my hair. Ya know? The #BigChop. The last time I was natural I was four. I had long curly ponytails and I cut one of them off. Yup. You read that right. Well, when my mom passed away one of my sisters took it upon herself to ‘take care of my hair’. She relaxed it and continued to do so until I turned about 15. Once I turned 16 I started to put ‘quick weaves’ in my head. I put in sew ins, relaxers, and more. I was damaging my hair for years and didn’t even realise it. I mean my hair was constantly breaking off over the years and I guess I noticed but, I was too wrapped up in other things to focus. img_6373

Back to the point! For about 3 years now I’ve wanted to go natural, but I was nervous. I don’t know about anyone else, but I had many fears. Such as not feeling pretty enough, wondering what others would think, and just straight up being attached to my hair. Fast forward to January 2017…after constant ‘protective styles’ I got bored. I woke up one day and got on Youtube and looked up a bunch of ‘Big Chop’ videos. I just decided that I’m going to cut my hair. Haha. I know how silly that may sound to someone, but when I want something I go for it. A certain video that I watched made me want to do it for sure. I can’t remember the Youtubers name, but she had a similar story to mine. She had India Arie’s song ‘I Am Not My Hair’ playing in the background as she cut her hair. Once she finished she looked at herself and tears of joy fell out of her eyes. I couldn’t help but cry with her. It was beautiful to watch. She felt so happy and confident. It was written all over her face. I wanted that.

Later that night I began cutting my hair. It took me until the next day to get all of my relaxed ends off, but once it was over I felt so good. I played Jill Scott’s Golden and the song I Am Not My Hair and sang along with so much happiness. I felt free and I felt confident. It made me extremely happy to know that I wasn’t freaking out at the end. I don’t know if that offends anyone, but I didn’t know what to feel. I feel like I can be me. I feel better than I have felt my entire life. I know how that may sound to say a haircut can do that. It’s just for years I’ve felt insecure about my looks. It was like I couldn’t go out and feel good or be in a genuine good mood unless my hair looked almost perfect in my eyes. So, when I cut my hair I just realized I didn’t need it to feel beautiful. My hair will grow back naturally, healthy, and curly! I’m excited about this journey. It gave me a boost to go ahead with all of the other things I’ve wanted to do. Maybe it’ll give someone else the courage to do it if they want to. Don’t wait for three years to pass by like I did. You can do whatever you want to do, babe.

Uncategorized

Key to Life?? Hmm…

HEY! So, this entry may not be the most happiest thing in the world, but it brings awareness to something some like to avoid. My blog entries after this will be filled with much joy and excitement. So stick around. Thanks! 🙃< b>What’s the key to life?? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I do know that as you grow and make a couple of unwise choices and go through dark phases in your life after a while you start to wonder if there is a specific “key” or for better words a lesson that has to be found or learned. I’m only in my early 20’s but the series of unfortunate events that’s have happened in my life (ha, see what I did there?) have taught me A LOT. After 21 years of enduring the same pain I know now I no longer want to feel it. I won’t go into extreme detail about my life, but I’ve dealt with losing a parent, having to grow and teach myself quite a bit on my own, being bullied, self hate, being broke, and depression along other things. < b>After all of that time I finally realized that I don’t want to carry that burden on my shoulders any longer. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. I got tired of watching all of my peers succeed and grow in life while I watched on the side lines with self pity in my heart and mind. It took me getting to the point of attempting suicide to wake up and realize I didn’t want to be this angry and sad person anymore. If I could talk to that sheriff that helped me that day, I would thank him for hours. In a way he saved my life. I’m so grateful. I still have a lot to work on…I’m not completely healed. Overcoming depression doesn’t take just a couple of months, but I’m better. Dealing with all of that had helped me grow. I’m so much better, and I can tell because for so long I’ve been embarrassed to share anything with anyone including people that know me and know of me. Now I see there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. People go through things…I mean we’re human. Some like to pretend or hold it all in. Well I can’t do that…I I have to say what I feel. < b>I know that there are many battles ahead for me to fight, but I’ll have more confidence and I’ll be ready to fight them. I just hope there’s someone…even if it isn’t a lot of people, but someone out there that sees this and feels encouraged to try and be better. To try and get help or talk to someone. I don’t have too many people to talk to so I understand feeling alone, but you can talk to me. Anyway, I’m working towards being better… I’m finally in college…community college, but college! I’m hoping to transfer to my dream school and be someone big who helps this world and give back to it until I no longer can. I’m working towards being more positive and learning about anything spiritual to help with that. I just want to project happy vibes wherever I am.  I haven’t learned everything, but I’ve learned enough to prepare me for what’s ahead. < b>I guess that what I can say to you is…The key to life is whatever you makes you happy. It’s whatever you want it to be. If it brings you joy then there you have it. The key to life in a way is happiness. It’s finding what brings you happiness and going after it. Anyway, I just wanted to share some part of me with this blog. It’s not everything, but it’s something. Again I’ll say that my blog won’t always be this dark. It’ll be happy and joyful and hilarious because I think I am *flips hair*! Haha! My blog will be filled with pieces of me. So hopefully you’ll stick around after this and see what I’ll bring to this soon to be amazing blog of mine (in my most humble voice). Lol. If you made it this far you’re a trooper and thanks! 👏 ✌🏾- Leigh