So… you don’t realize how much of your time has gone by until you have a blog to remind you. Haha. Almost four months since my last entry. A lot has happened since my last emotional breakdown. With that being said I’m extremely tired of them. I’m over the constant sadness that depression and anxiety brings each day. I’m tired of masking it with a smile and jokes for those that around me daily. Today I am DONE. I️ have had the craziest breakthrough moment.
You guys won’t even believe the crazy things that have happened these past couple of months. I’m really not up for typing all of that. I️ may break all of that down into separate entry’s. Anyway, this post isn’t really that put together. It’s just me rambling and typing whatever I️ feel at the moment. As I️ sit here and listen to one of my favorite songs… Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding. ( amazing btw) I️ can’t help but think about my love life and the relationship I’ve been in for almost 5 years. I’m only 22 so let’s keep that in mind… I’ve spent these past couple of years in this relationship pretending to be happy. The relationship started off wonderful, but slowly turned into me caring for someone else 24/7 and not myself. I️ began to put my feelings to the side for them and for former “friends”. I’ve waited around for this person and I’ve allowed them to hurt me everyday for years without even noticing until today.
My whole life I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive and dramatic…so I️ would just keep almost everything that I️ felt to myself. Everyone in our lives sees this person as the nice guy who can do no wrong. So imagine trying to confide in someone when they’re going to blame you and say that the guy could do no such thing. So I’ve had no one to talk to. For years I’ve allowed myself to be that person that everyone goes to for their problems. Even when I️ wanted people to be there for me they weren’t. When I️ cried out for help, and they tried even just a little, I️ didn’t know how to trust them. I️ don’t know how to trust anyone at this point. I’ve gotten to the point when’re I feel like everyone will let me down. I️ hate to say that because I️ know not everyone has ill will towards me… I️ just don’t know how to trust anymore.
I️ didn’t explain things too well with the relationship and friendship problems. I️ got a little side tracked. I️ used to be the person who would give people multiple chances and I️ would always try my best to see the good in people. Now I’ve allowed other people’s actions to destroy who I️ am as a person. It feels like every time that I️ believe I’ve met a genuine person they prove me wrong. And it’s not that I️ just go looking for problems with people. I️ really do give them shot and I’m patient. Even when I️ see red flags. I️ met this person who I’ve recently become friends with. Well, long story short, he’s pretty cool… I️ mean he has a good heart. Silly and a QUEEN as he would call himself lol. We have a lot in common. I️ love hanging out with him and his boyfriend. It’s just recently they’ve started becoming too comfortable they make racial jokes that I️ don’t think are amusing. They’ve started to use that word… you know. The one that stirs up all that DRAMA and a part of me wants to be fine with it because I️ see the good parts of them, but it’s become too uncomfortable. Would I️ be wrong to take a break from them? Am I️ over reacting? I️ really do like them I️ just don’t want to get into any type of argument with them or anyone over this situation. Then my relationship. I️ don’t want to leave. I️ mean damn near five years. COME ON. Me and this person were friends before this. I’ve always considered them my best friend. It’s just I’ve taken the back burner the entire time. I️ haven’t received the love or attention I️ know that I️ deserve. I️ just don’t know. I’ve started to look at other guys. I’ve imagined myself with other guys. These are things I️ could never do before even if I️ tried. I️m trying to see it as a rough patch, but I️ don’t know.
I’ve cut people out of my life that I feel needed to go. There was another person I️ considered a friend, but I’m starting to think I️ may not know the definition of that word too well. This person tore me down with words. He told me that I tried to hard to be different, he told me that I️ wasn’t different all because we aren’t on the same page with a lot of things I️ think he views negatively. I’ve allowed him to tear me down for a while. It’s not just him though. There were others. I️ realized I️ had to stop keeping people around just because I️ don’t want to be alone. It’s just hard. Growing up as a child feeling alone and to be a young adult now and still feel the same pain I’ve felt for years it sucks. Those that write off depression and tell you to suck it up really do SUCK. I️ “suck it up” everyday. I️ hide my sadness from the world because I️ don’t want to be seen as weak. Anxiety and depression have become such a fad now that no one pays attention to it. So yes. I️ feel alone every day. I️ know there are those rare and amazing people that have told me that I️ could come to them if needed…like Damn, Girl. Haha, thanks love. I️ just don’t know how to do it sometimes. Sometimes it’s me being there for others. Lately, that’s all it has been. Just me going with the flow every day not even paying attention to myself.
I’ve cut out damn near all of my friends, my relationship is crazy right now and I️ don’t know how to feel. There have been work related situations that you guys wouldn’t even believe if I️ told you, that has led me to feeling this way again. I️ have a couple of reasons, but I’m not sure how to share them. I️ don’t want to be seen as complaining. There’s always so much on my mind 24/7 and I️ don’t know what to do with any of it. I’ve started having nightmares again… not your basic scary killer ones… I️ mean graphic and sometimes way deeper than they should be. My anxiety has gotten worse again. Today I️ destroyed my apartment out of frustration. I️ threw everything around. I’m not embarrassed to say. We all have moments. I️ think I️ reached my breaking point. I️ needed to let it out. People will write it off as you’re young it’s just a phase. Sometimes that’s not the case. I️ should be focused on me and my goals in life. Focused on getting closer to God. I️ know everyone doesn’t believe, but I’m a believer so sorry not sorry. Anyway, I️ want to learn things and explore things I️ want to spend my time and days helping other people. That’s all I️ want, man. I’ve never wanted anything more.
It seems like all I️ can do is worry about everyone else in my life and if they’re okay. I️ don’t even know how to care for myself. I️ don’t know what it means to love myself anymore. All of this has made me lose my confidence and ambition…all of that and I’m so angry at myself for getting to this points. Now, all I️ want to do is focus on getting back on track and loving myself and again. I️ guess I’ll stop here for now. I’ve just felt the strong urge to write lately and I’m glad that I️ did. I️ became embarrassed and didn’t want anyone who read my post to just think of me as the sad person all the time. Today I️ choose not to care. This is real life and this is what I️ feel so if you understand thank you. I’ll be back soon…